Poet: Işıl Ayça Akkuş

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I miss your mellow voice 
Crosses oceans to call me back
All the agony and past
Runs a tango back and forth
I will run to your arms
Hold you to never leave 
It is fearsome
What they call love
First time in ages
Peace felt in broken pieces
Visions, wild and burgundry
Visions, lullaby in vagons
Fading into your hands
Missing a stranger
Only one month no amends
Catching sunsets 
The first day 
Not like storms, waves wuthering
More like a childhood holiday
The seasalt leaks like a joy away
A dance scaring the ghosts 
A rhythm we find away from shores
Clueless lover
How shall he knows
Feels like finding a harbor
After years of exile
Feels like sleep in embrace
Called from the times unknown
The fragile tie anytime breaks away
Restless albatross 
Wishes all chains free
A life as one person affair
Prays each time, send away 
If this is again a tragedy
Yet the mellow voice surpasses the melancholy
Calls the girl, holds dearly
Quits shall not be called
This music just plays for two
A warm liquid melting snows’ frolic
Wait a little longer
Though the hesitation is inevitable
She will come back to you
No matter how fate twists 
This twist shall last forever

***
...except it did not
This was my handwritten gift
While it was all disappointment
and a pretty cat lamp I received
I wished we could stay
Fooling each other 
As if love is still there
Attraction died slowly
Perhaps suddenly though,
As I saw your picture
Yet feel no haze
Only an enstrangenment
Wishing to escape
I tried to stay
Even I knew 
I shall walk away, call final
I always wanted a break
You were terribly scared
Each time you call me back
Lying to yourself and me
Just keep going, we are there!

Watching two strangers
She told you in the start
Brutally honest, 
Cannot stand in shallow love
A deal too early perhaps
To escape from hurricanes
This was my sin,
Holding into a branch of tree
Running from a storm
Still best believe I was logical,
Kept all the records for judgement,
Times heavy and mystical

She told you all she wants
You promised, yet made it like a chore
Presenting it like a forced labor
You tried so that we won’t lose
She told you many times
You would kill her
If she has to ask 
For the matter of heart
As she treasures independence,
Rather would dig a grave 
Than to beg for proper love

The sunrise pink, yellow
The sunrise that we shared once
All sky turned into grey,
The storms, worlds falling apart
Space is falling down, yet you have no space
A life so big,
Planned parties, vacations and trips
A man claims he wants 
Both of us question, 
Where would I fit in this schedule?
Though I organize my life's room, 
Making a space for you like a fool
Though I also barely breathe,
never having home - loved ones here,
You keep pretending till last call
Always far away, 

I call it quits then
I call it quits so we don’t get lost in abyss 
Ending up as unhappy enemies
One day I look at your picture,
Realizing how you consumed all love,
My spark, magic and fiction
This so competent people
Act so incompetent in love,
Should I be parenting you too,
While I was already all growing up
I stop the dance, once again
I took all the baggage in my shoulders
Even when we are drifting apart,
You are not here. 
Simply standing, actions lost in promises
Once you told the girl 
She happens to life
Instead of life happening to her
One of best compliments I hear,
Though I realize now,
It is just laziness in love
Yet you never happen, 
An inactive object, watching us die. 
I have friends loving me better
So why shall I surrender
To this empty contract?
You keep judging how close we are
Not knowing you are close to end

Valentines, concert date and sweet lies
I cannot help but being the detective in stories
As modern suitors are neither honest, nor brave
This does not fail at all
I keep it cool
Yet I feel the iron lady coming
As always, I shut down emotions, 
Fake strong living and leaving
Yet more that I think,
Less I deserve all of this
While I was clear since the beginning,
Listing my demands and thoughts of love
It probably ended right there,
Killing all sunsets and fantasy
One month before breakup
Why would you lie, just not to be alone?
You don't know what you want,
Then drag strangers along

I love my liberty too well,
Say Jo March if you will
My liberty is as precious as yours
Just like my dreams,
Which is already quite a hell of labor
I was wrong to surrender,
Giving you many chances and grace,
Hoping you would work hard for us,
Just like you excelled in the field
Yet I lost my pace instead
While you polish, a support and love free
Cause you are not busy thinking
What is going shady?
What will I uncover next
or is this gut feeling shaky
Something is wrong, 
Alice, alice wake up!
Though I appear to be always right
What if I tell you,
My carreer was always my first,
The only love I pursue,
Sacrificed all for it
Thus I have no intention to waste
On lifeless affairs,
or modern cage
Never signed up for this
Unequal labor, 
Taking down on me 
Unequal labor,
I feel no support, love or presence
Despite all your privelege and advantage
I am the one carrying on my shoulder
Do you think it is fair? 
Crumbs of bread 
Yet I never seek love
Out of hunger
Comparing with my single life,
It was, and will always be better
So I must follow the logic
and question
what is the reasoning behind
All this empty investment?
Draining myself,

If you ask him, 
It is chivalrous
A dear friend, yet no lover of mine
You are perfect on paper,
Going to feminist meetings,
This kind of person
Only could be written by a woman
Except you only look for
A mother, not love
L'Avare emotions
Gone with the winter
Spring winds shall never survive
You are terrified of losing me
I am even more fearful
To lose her, and waste her spark
Thus my fear wins 
I take her under my broken wings
I tell you I am leaving,
Taking first plane, seeking healing
Cause I am torn and burn out
You knew it very well
Yet you never run to reach out
As if it was a stranger
Still she is a concept for you
Not a real person
No courtesy of asking,
How have you been, 
Why are you going,
What is all going under?
How can I be a friend to begin with,
We can communicate, and gather it together
Cause you seek to fill your emptiness
With a strangers’ wisdom
I am staying kind
Till running final round
Even way after,
My friend says,
God girl, you should be much meaner
Yet you are pulling triggers
Arguing you give it all
While I received none
I would have believed you
If I was not a scientist,
Maybe a bit dumber,
or I have never seen real love,
In my people's eyes
How my friends catch me when I fall,
How they hug and support me with their all
I had a good reference, thank god!

I even told you I am getting a call back,
Brutally honest, doing everything
To put a real distance with that
Yet I cannot help
Thinking about snow frolic,
Or a midsummer nights’ dream
Time to time, virtues getting blurred 
I had an urge to run backwards
Each time you take it for too granted
I will not apologize
Snow frolic leaking through my lips and veins
You don't understand Amelie
as you sigh watching the movie
never grasping the wit, the naive spirit
the orchestra is live, yet we are dead 
long time ago, only funeral ahead
afterall, this was our last date
I had met with the director at Rome once
afterall, I owed this ending to Jean-Pierre 
a poet's cut, cheers to vivere!
I'll tell that story later,
I understood for a million time again
We are not meant to be
you don't read or like Bronte
or any books of the Austen
just like you do not understand me
watching from a distance 
shiny, joyful, beautiful existence
you only read Rilke
in our last finish line,
barely even saying this to me,
right after I want a break 
right before final comes,
scores on boards to fall
oh but to be honest,
I could also never care less
about fish games and cards 
never ending friends' holidays
or ectasy parties alas'
it is lucky incident
we never get to know that much
Yet you are still lucky, 
Cause your rival is more blind 
Than you can ever be
Mastering games and pride
Letting a great love slide aside
your only competition left,
metacognition, the document of records
my unequal labor free life ahead
Yet I am always honest with you,
Never crossing a line ever,
Telling all at once, even our story so far
While you keep things under carpet
Spill it one by one, 
Dusty roof falling apart
Making me do all emotional labor,
As if no high pressure already under
Thus I decide, I would rather 
Have a table for me and me,
As my young free spirit is much more joyful,
If I have to be alone in love,
Why should I stop calling quits?
I am jealous of my time and energy
Wasted in this uncertain abyss
Feeling guilty at every step
As it is betrayal to her potential and future
Alas' leaving all prospects of modern love,
People too old,
Yet too childish work on love
Putting all responsibility and awareness
In the shoulders of younger
Do you think I was born this way?
I had to work hard to uncover
Puzzle of psyche, all of us could do
Thus I reject this system of consumption
People as products,
Exchange one for another
Majesty is too wise to play gambles
Signing up for riddles 
or modern slavery of women
All labor emotional under
The invisible phantom 
I chose to be mine, 
Can you blame her, after all this time?
It should not be this hard,
If we have to drag it along
Even at the honey phase of moon,
God forbid how exhausting it would be
as the only commander, educating the troop
They always assume the love will never and
Yet it is an art, has to be constantly re-made

Though I believe I introduced myself wrong
I never felt obliged to do pacts
Making false commitments,
For the sake of approval 
or society's demands
I was only a passanger
escaping from winds and snow
I gave you a chance,
Cause you looked at the sky
Saying all pink and pretty
And bring a level of peace
Your love may be enough
Beautiful, and perfectly numb
For ones having no purpose,
You can go with the flow
A story to buy for modern lovers
Yet I am a poet,
It will never satisfy my page
I also have a terrible habit,
Quite allergic to dishonest range
Thus I call it quits,
Clean cut, truly a bliss
I have no regrets, 
Cause always trusted my intuition 
Tired of being the brave one,
Consuming hopes in false fruition
Maybe some day, even the past days
Would be cherished and remembered
Despite all,
My dear friend, goodbye!
Getting along so well,
Common ambition, no brutal hell
Hope we learned from each other,
Even in this mighty fall
Hope you find yourself, and never lose
As I said in my final words,
I wish you learning and growth,
All the best and pink sunsets flood
When it comes to me,
I crave one aperol spritz
honors' graduation
a well-defended, novel thesis
and a doctorate degree to hold!